Feeling Down and Out

I must be having one of those weeks. Below will explain what I am going through somewhat.


Stages of Deployment:
DENIAL STAGE - You know he is leaving, but you don't accept it. You go on, trying to block it out of your mind that he will be half way around the world. You go on with your life as if nothing is coming.
FRENZY STAGE - This is when you realize they are leaving because they are packing, buying items to take, loading music on their music libraries, etc. While this is going on, you try and create as many memories as time will allow so you have something to hold on to and look back to when they are absent from your physical life.
THE LAST TIME STAGE - This stage is a one or two day thing. This is the last time he showers at home for a year, this is our last meal together for a year, this is the last night I sleep in his arms for a year. Every 'last' makes you emotional. You break down and cry often.
D-DAY STAGE - The day you drop him off. It's a little of every stage. You try and be strong. You try and forget. You can't help but break down. You smile often, but it's forced. Then you get your last kiss and hug for a year....
THE GREAT AMERICAN SCREAM MACHINE - After you get over the initial, "they are gone, crying-into-your-pillow-every-night stage", a roller coaster of emotions kicks in hard. One day you are 100%, the next day you are 20%. Some days you miss them more then others, especially on days you don't hear from him. These emotions start making you think that you are crazy, that you aren't normal. You ask yourself, am I overreacting? I have to be nuts if I sleep with the phone and computer, I constantly look at pictures of us together, I STILL HAVEN'T WASHED HIS CLOTHES! It makes you doubt who you thought you were. I thought I was strong, I thought I didn't cry. I knew it would be hard, so why am I taking it so badly?!
ASSumption STAGE - The frenzy of their transition from one continent to another is a mess. You don't know much, it's a big guessing game. Is he there yet? Where is he? When did he get there? Does he have phone or internet? Maybe he's not calling or Skyping because he's tired? I think his shift is from X to X because he only seems to call at X time. You get all your information from everyone else and try to put it all together piece by piece. You feel like a Matlock episode, only worse.
ACCEPTENCE STAGE - I accept the fact he's away, I accept that he is on another continent, I accept that he will call me when he can and I accept that I will be an emotional wreck and....that's okay. It's normal to feel what I'm feeling and I accept that I will have good days and bad days. I also accept that, he too, will have good days and bad days.
GUILT STAGE - This stage comes and goes. It usually starts during the Acceptence stage. When you are in acceptance and you are having your good days you feel guilty that you are enjoying a moment of time with him so far away. I feel guilty that I'm going out for a girl's night. I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I can't help it. I feel guilty feeling happy without him here.
CONTINUED - So at this point, you have established your routine with your deployed MM. For the most part, you know when he's working, you know when he's sleeping, you know when he's off. You know what time he'll be online, give or take 2 hours, which explains being logged into your computer a required 4 hours a day. If he doesn't get online, you're okay with it. He's sleeping, playing games, doing laundry, studying. It doesn't bother me if I don't hear from him 2-3 days at a time. After the 3rd day though, I'm going crazy. I'm "this" close to booking it down to CB to make sure he's okay.
BOREDOM STAGE - Okay, I'm done. I've gone through enough activities to keep 10 people busy for 10 years. I'm done! I'm done cleaning. I'm done organizing. Leaving your uniforms laying around at least gave me something to do and cooking for you would justify eating potatoes again. I'm bored of working out and dieting so I can have a hot body for homecoming. Give me chocolate and carbs!
ARGH STAGE - This comes and goes. I have gained the patience of a saint. You get online and say hi, then say be right back. And hour later you say hi again and then be right back again. Another hour goes by, you say hi and goodnight. It was nice talking to you too.
IMPATIENTLY WAITING STAGE - When is he coming home? You heard date X? But so-and-so heard date X? By now, you feel invincible, but you have exhausted your patience. You still have some time left to go, but you made it this far! I grew from this crying, weak woman who was always grumpy whenever she saw another couple and who harrumphed every time another girl whined about how her husband's only been gone a week and how she doesn't think she can wait 6 months for him. I've grown. I'm strong. I'm independent and I have learned to live without you, even though I never want to live without you. I want you home so we can pick up where we left off. I want to wake up beside you. I want to make Sunday morning breakfast together again. I want to play video games and wrestle around. By now, I'm waiting for those 3 little words that will make my heart leap, "I'm coming home!"
An Old Hand


I remember packing his bags for him. It was something I just felt like I needed to do for him. I folded all of his socks and boxers. I sorted and organized his toiletries so he would be able to find them. I made sure his carry-on would be approved. The whole time, it felt like I was packing him away and putting him in a box that I wouldn't be able to open for a long time.

At that time we thought he would be home by Christmas, now we aren't so sure when he will be home.

I remember the day he was leaving. I made myself sick. I got the worst migraine imaginable. Not shower, bath, Excedrin, food, drink, or sleep would make it go away. I felt awful for being so sick on our last day together.

I remember dropping him off. I remember our kiss and hug like watching a home movie, but I don't remember the feeling of his kiss on my lips or the feeling of his arms around me in an embrace. I just have a memory of what it was like.

Kinda hard to explain. I remember the feeling when I watched him unload his bags from the truck and put them into a pile with everyone else's bags. It felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

I remember the feeling of driving away from him. I wanted to jump out of the truck and latch onto his leg like a 2 yr. old and yell, "You can't take him from me!". Immature, I know. But that's what I felt. Instead of acting out, I just held myself with my arms crossed tightly across my chest. I got home and slept, and slept, and slept.

The next night I had a dream that he called and told me not to be jealous because he was in Italy. I woke up and, much to my surprise, I had an email from him saying he had landed in Italy and I shouldn't be jealous.

Do I know my husband or do I know my husband? The next night I woke up to his mom walking into my bedroom holding his face in her hands. Let me explain, she has an iPad and his face was on the screen. On Skype. So in my sleepy state it appeared as though she was carrying his head to me in the middle of the night. Weird, but I couldn't have been more excited to see him. Something about the first time talking to your love when you know they are thousands of miles away it just makes your heart skip a beat. Or two.

Then, I settled into a routine and he settled into a routine and we are working towards our hump day together. Apart, but together. I love my military man and as he told me before he left, "You are strong, you can do this. I love you". And to everyone out there going through this same thing, "You are strong, you can do this". Instead of, "I love you" though, "I believe in you".